Last year, my New Years resolution was to stop lying.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t Bernie Madoff or anything but I realized I had gotten in the habit of telling little white ones here and there usually to prevent people\u2019s feelings from being hurt.\u00a0 Saying \u201cI can\u2019t make it to your party.\u00a0 I have tickets to the theater\u201d seems a lot nicer than \u201cI\u2019d rather poke my eye with a toothpick than listen to your husband talk about his prostate again.\u201d<\/p>\n
Initially, I chose this resolution because it seemed much easier than trying to lose weight but I was surprised at how challenging telling the truth was. One study found that people tell two to three lies every 10 minutes, and even conservative estimates indicate that we lie at least once a day.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s a lot<\/i> of bullshit.<\/p>\n
I was shocked at how much I lie often for no reason at all.\u00a0\u00a0 I told my dentist I flossed, the doctor I only drank once a week, my therapist I was fine.\u00a0 Why? Would they really be so upset if I told them the truth?\u00a0 My lying reached an all time high when I was on-line dating.\u00a0 Lying is so pervasive on these websites its like an accepted form of courtship.\u00a0\u00a0 I had numerous men lie about their age, their jobs, their relationship status and most maddening, their height.\u00a0 \u201cYou can\u2019t lie about your how tall you are\u201d I told a man a little over five feet who said he was six-feet-tall.<\/p>\n
According to a survey of 3,000 adults, nearly half the men asked about dating sites said they lie about their job or salary in order to improve their chances at finding love; meanwhile almost half of women lie about their weight, age and body shape.\u00a0 I don\u2019t lie about my age. I don’t want a potential man to meet me and think, \u201cWow, she looks old for twenty-five\u201d<\/i> But I have and will always lie about my weight, even to myself.\u00a0 \u201cMuscle weighs more than fat,\u201d <\/i>I say to myself when the doctor moves the giant hammerhead piece on the bottom of his scale up a whole notch.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe I shouldn\u2019t have worn my chainmail underwear,\u201d I joke.<\/p>\n
In my twenties, I constantly lied on my resume to get work.\u00a0 I taught juggling at the 92nd<\/sup> St Y when to this day I can\u2019t keep two scarves in the air.\u00a0\u00a0 I flamb\u00e9ed cherries jubilee at a fancy restaurant nearly setting my stunned customers on fire, and in a scene worthy of \u201cI Love Lucy\u201d I was fired from a law firm after they figured out I didn\u2019t actually know how to operate a switchboard.<\/p>\n I always fancied myself a talented liar but my mother insists that “you\u00a0always looked like a dog that just stole the steak off the table. \u201d Even so, I know some of the elaborate lies I concocted then, worked. \u00a0I attended the No Nukes Concert, the Elton John concert in Central Park and Simon and Garfunkel in Central Park all when I was \u201csleeping over Mimi Riley\u2019s house.\u201d<\/p>\n One of my favorite stories that my grandmother told was about my father lying. \u201cI used to tell him I could read lies on his forehead.\u201d \u00a0she told me giggling at her own story. \u00a0 \u201cWhen he came into the living room with his hair brushed carefully over his head, I knew he had lied to me!! \u201d<\/p>\n My son is equally terrible at lying, his large brown eyes shifting about like a blind person. \u00a0Since I always caught him, his strategy for a while was to tell me everything he does:<\/p>\n \u201cSo Terrence and I were throwing cotton balls that were on fire off his roof\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy are you telling me this? You know I don\u2019t approve.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to lie to you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re supposed to lie\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou want me to lie?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOf course not. I want you to omit.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s that supposed to mean?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI mean tell me the truth, but don\u2019t tell me everything.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, well remember when I told you I was home alone last Saturday night?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, actually, I want you to lie.\u201d<\/p>\n And he does.<\/p>\n Aidan is actually quite talented at it, which according to a recent article in US News is my fault.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cBy the age of 3, most children know how to fib, and by 6, most lie a few times a day. Experts believe that children learn to lie by observing their parents do it<\/i>.\u201d\u00a0 Though I like to think I never lie to Aidan, the fact is that I constantly do. \u00a0Throughout his life I have lied to him about sick relatives, Santa Claus, dead pets and the tooth fairy all to protect him from knowing the harsh reality that life can really suck sometimes. \u00a0 When he recently asked me if I smoked pot, I mumbled, “no” even though I was infamous in high school for making my Board of Ed bassoon into a bong.<\/p>\n A few weeks ago he berated me for lying, \u00a0insisting I shouldn’t have told him his Gerbil was taking a nap, that I should have told him that Santa Claus is a farce. I quickly educated him that Wikipedia calls this \u201cThe Omission Lie.\u201d \u201cAlso known as a continuing misrepresentation, a lie by omission occurs when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception<\/i>.\u201d In fact, according to Wikipedia, there are over twenty-seven types of lies.<\/p>\n \u201cYou shouldn’t have lied\u201d Aidan insisted \u201cnot to mention the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy and \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMr. Koelert.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMr. Koelert?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes. Remember when I went in for your parent\u2013teacher conference and Mr. Koelert scolded me for not buying you warm clothes for his camping trip?\u00a0 See, you omitted<\/i> the fact that I put all your warm clothes on your bed to pack and you chose not to put them in your suitcase, so you omitted\u00a0<\/em>a fact just like I omitted <\/i>telling you\u00a0that Santa is not real.<\/p>\n This past New Years Eve, I renewed my commitment to telling the truth since in the end, I like it.\u00a0 I actually feel better about myself and it\u2019s still easier than giving up chocolate. \u00a0In the past year, I didn\u2019t hold my nose feigning a cold to get out of plans I simply said, \u201cI feel lazy and don\u2019t want to get off my couch.\u201d\u00a0 When I was late, I shrugged and said, \u201cI just didn\u2019t leave enough time.\u201d \u00a0I told my dentist, \u201cI can\u2019t remember to floss and it\u2019s annoying how it always gets stuck to my finger.\u201d<\/p>\n New research says that decreasing fibs throughout the day can improve health and so I figure my honest approach earns me one extra glass of wine a day. \u00a0All right two, and that\u2019s the truth.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n ","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Last year, my New Years resolution was to stop lying.\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t Bernie Madoff or anything but I realized I had gotten in the habit of telling little white ones here and there usually to prevent people\u2019s feelings from being hurt.\u00a0 Saying \u201cI can\u2019t make it to your party.\u00a0 I have tickets to the theater\u201d […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-688","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\n