{"id":763,"date":"2014-07-08T23:39:38","date_gmt":"2014-07-08T23:39:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/marianfontana.com\/?p=763"},"modified":"2014-07-08T23:39:38","modified_gmt":"2014-07-08T23:39:38","slug":"o-oncologist","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/marianfontana.com\/site\/o-oncologist\/","title":{"rendered":"O is for Oncologist"},"content":{"rendered":"

I met my oncologist as a cartoon in the graphic memoir, <\/span>Cancer Vixen<\/i>.\u00a0 In the cartoon version, Dr. Paula Klein is blonde and glamorous and wears Manolo Blahnik heels with her white lab coat. \u00a0In person, Paula is dirty blonde and wears flats.\u00a0 Every three months, I visit Paula and go through the rituals required of breast cancer. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

(See letter M)<\/p>\n

\u201cHi how are you?\u201d\u00a0 I always say.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you think I am? I work in a Cancer Center.\u201d\u00a0 She always answers.<\/p>\n

I like her brusqueness because it is easy to see the softness inside, a half open oyster.\u00a0 The forced cheeriness some employees have at the center feels oddly out of synch in the serious world of Cancer. \u00a0Dr. Klein is always in a rush and records her notes in a device mounted on the wall speaking so fast she sounds like a disclaimer for medication:<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m with Marian Fontana who had a 1.5 millimeter, intraductal carcinoma and estrogen positive cancer in the left breast that was treated with a lumpectomy, a re-incision.\u00a0 When was your re-incision?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAugust.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAugust of 2009 which was followed by a course of six weeks of radiation therapy starting in. \u2026when did you start?<\/p>\n

\u201cOctober.\u201d<\/p>\n

When she is done recording, she gives a breast exam, her fingers disappearing into the flesh of my breasts.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019s your dating going? You still with the life coach?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. He was a loner. \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you know about life being alone all the time?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExactly.\u00a0 I have a date tonight though.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGood. He nice?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe seems nice on the phone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGood. You\u2019re good. Everything\u2019s good\u201d<\/p>\n

After my visit, I meet my date at Odeon in Tribeca where a balding, muscular man named Sam sits smiling.\u00a0 After he greets me with a wet kiss on the cheek, he tells me he has an eleven-year-old daughter, that he just lost his job a week before and that he hadn\u2019t been to Tribeca since 9-11.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was running uptown with my daughter in my arms\u201d he says. \u00a0\u00a0It is a bit early for the 9-11 story, but I listen quietly reaching for a slice of bread.\u00a0\u00a0\u201cYou were at the doctors today?\u201d\u00a0 he asks and I look up startled by his psychic abilities until I realize, I had exposed the cotton and Band-Aid from having my blood drawn when I reached for the bread.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah. A check up,\u201d I say, pulling my shirt down.<\/p>\n

\u201cWho\u2019s your doctor?\u201d\u00a0 he asks.<\/p>\n

\u201cPaula Klein.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have cancer?<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you know that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI went to Jewish day Camp with Paula.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSmall world,\u201d I say, trying not to look mortified.<\/p>\n

\u201cLets call her and tell her we\u2019re on a date.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo that\u2019s o-\u201c<\/p>\n

He is already on his cell phone scrolling through his numbers.<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is so crazy!\u201d he says, finding the number.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHey Paula! It\u2019s me, Sam. You\u2019re never going to guess who I\u2019m sitting having dinner with.\u00a0 Nope\u2026.\u00a0 Nope. .. Nope…Marian Fontana.\u201d<\/p>\n

Since Paula is world renowned, there is often long waits at see her. To me, this is like being stuck in traffic. If you only have a short time left on the planet, you don\u2019t want to spend it in a waiting room. To distract myself, I bring a book and by my third visit, I have befriended another avid reader named Anita with auburn hair in a bob.\u00a0 We talk animatedly about books and start to make our appointments on the same day so we can exchange paperbacks we have finished and loved.<\/p>\n

On my next visit, Anita looks puffy and is wearing a blonde wig. \u201cDid Paula ask you to join her study?\u201d \u00a0she asks.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. What is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSomething about why women gain weight when they are diagnosed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey don\u2019t need a study for that.\u00a0 You eat it all because who wants to die on a diet?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTrue. Maybe it\u2019s for stage 3 patients or something. \u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, maybe,\u201d I say feeling guilty for my joke, but Anita doesn\u2019t seem to notice and hands me The Short History of Women, <\/i>by Kate Walbert. \u00a0\u00a0<\/i>\u201cA bit meandering, but I finally finished it,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

I give her Lit<\/i> by Mary Karr.<\/p>\n

A few months later, I visit the cancer center only to discover it has been taken over by Beth Israel Hospital.\u00a0 Originally run by St. Vincent\u2019s, the security guard tells me he is lucky they kept the Cancer Center open at all.\u00a0 Dozens of his friends at Saint Vincent Hospital lost their jobs.<\/p>\n

I feel like a child of divorce. Everything looks and feels different and yet is the same.<\/p>\n

In the waiting room, I am thrilled to see Anita, her hair growing back, thick and auburn.\u00a0 She strokes her hair when she sees me.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou look beautiful!\u201d I say.<\/p>\n

She gives me a new book, Let the Great World Spin <\/i>by Colum McCann, but I have forgotten her book and in truth, never read it. \u00a0I have been unable to pay attention to books lately.<\/p>\n

Paula\u2019s office looks the same except for a resident who sits at her desk, taking notes.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere\u2019s Paula?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe\u2019ll be in soon,\u201d the resident says explaining that Beth Israel is a teaching hospital now.\u00a0 She flips open my chart.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you had a 1.5 centimeter intraductal carcinoma,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAny history of breast cancer in the family?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her face twists and she is silent for an uncomfortable length of time, flipping back and forth between two pages.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy didn\u2019t you have chemo?\u201d she asks.<\/p>\n

I feel my heart race.\u00a0 Why is she asking this? During the course of my treatment the idea of chemo frightened me more than dying itself.\u00a0 I was scared of my body running down, my hair falling out and the world staring in pity at my bald, swollen head.<\/p>\n

\u201cI would prefer to talk to Dr. Klein about this,\u201d I tell the resident.\u00a0 In a few moments, Paula appears looking harried and tired.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow are you?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you think I am? I work in a Cancer Center.\u201d<\/p>\n

She turns the recording device on looking back and forth from me to the resident, speaking faster than ever.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m with Marian Fontana who had a 1.5 millimeter, intraductal carcinoma and estrogen positive cancer in the left breast that was treated with a lumpectomy, a re-incision in\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAugust, 2009\u201d The resident says.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe has some side effects to her Tamoxifen including leg cramps. Are you still having leg cramps?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWrite that down,\u201d she tells the resident.<\/p>\n

\u201cIn October\u2026\u201d she continues. \u201cWhat a minute\u2026.\u201d Her face shifts as she pushes the glasses up her nose.\u00a0 \u201cWhy didn\u2019t we do chemo on you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe didn\u2019t need to. My oncotype number was low.\u201d<\/p>\n

My sister and I were waiting in the small examining room. \u00a0There was a quilt on the wall in a frame, made by a family member of someone who had died.\u00a0 The nurse came in, her crocs squeaking on the tile floor. \u00a0\u201cNo chemo\u201d she announced casually.\u00a0\u00a0 My hand clamped over my mouth to hold in the scream, but the tears fell fast and quick, relief itself rolling down.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re oncotype number is high. We should have done chemo,\u201d Paula says shaking her head. \u00a0I have never seen Paula worried. \u00a0Serious but never worried.\u00a0\u00a0 The oncotype test is performed on early stage breast cancer patients to determine their chance of reoccurrence.\u00a0\u00a0 The lower the number, the better your chances of survival. \u00a00-17 means low risk, 18-30 means medium, 30 to higher\u2026<\/p>\n

My number is 6 and in the cancer world that is as good as winning the lottery.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt says on your chart 26.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have that too. \u201c the resident says.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have to take your ovaries out right away,\u201d Paula says looking panicked.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a six, Paula.\u00a0 Can you call the genetic company please?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have it on both charts,\u201d she says shaking her head wondering I imagine, how she could have missed it. \u201cI\u2019ll be right back,\u201d she says, the resident practically running out behind her.<\/p>\n

I take out my appointment book and look at my sloppy handwriting scratching in my life in small boxes.\u00a0 I could have my ovaries out on Wednesday, but then I wouldn\u2019t make Aidan\u2019s Parent-Teacher conference the next day\u2026\u201d <\/i><\/p>\n

Dr. Klein returns in a few minutes exhaling hard.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh thank God it was a six.\u201d<\/p>\n

Within minutes she examines my breasts, rolling her fingers across and under.\u00a0 \u201cSo, are you still seeing Sam?\u201d she asks.<\/p>\n

\u201cI broke up with him last week.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe collected sneakers you know. Ugly ones.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s why you broke up with him?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. He never told me his daughter lived upstairs.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe was always weird,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

Six months later, I am back at Paula\u2019s.\u00a0 This time there are three residents in the room. They are all Indian with smooth skin and bright lipstick.<\/p>\n

\u201cMake sure you go back far enough. Hers was very far back,\u201d she instructs them as they take turns examining my breasts..<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is like a lesbian porno.\u201d I joke.\u00a0 The residents giggle but Paula is distracted.<\/p>\n

She lifts my arm and frowns.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cLooks like we have secondary lymphedema based on the coloring of the skin.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d I ask peeking at my underarm glistening with sweat and as black as country sky.<\/p>\n

I laugh hard.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d Paul asks trying not to smirk.\u00a0\u00a0 I shake my head, laughing too hard to answer.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s a new shirt, right?\u201d<\/p>\n

I nod and now the residents are giggling too.\u00a0 One of them hands me a tissue.\u00a0 \u201cI just bought it at TJ Maxx.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s funny,\u201d Paula says without laughing.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow are you?\u201d I ask, forgetting our usual banter.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you think I am? I work in a Cancer center,\u201d she lifts my other arm.<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t see Anita today,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t share patient information.\u201d \u00a0Paula says, her voice cracking.\u00a0\u00a0 The Indian girls are frozen, staring off like sculptures and after a long silence, Paula finally says, \u00a0 \u00a0\u201cThey found her dead over the weekend in her apartment,” adding \u00a0\u201cI\u2019m not supposed to tell you.\u201d<\/p>\n

I bite my lip and nod, pulling my bag to my chest. A Short History of Women<\/i> was weighing it down. I had finally remembered to return it. I never read it and don\u2019t think I ever will.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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I met my oncologist as a cartoon in the graphic memoir, Cancer Vixen.\u00a0 In the cartoon version, Dr. Paula Klein is blonde and glamorous and wears Manolo Blahnik heels with her white lab coat. \u00a0In person, Paula is dirty blonde and wears flats.\u00a0 Every three months, I visit Paula and go through the rituals required […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-763","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\nO is for Oncologist - 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